How to Build Relational Capital (with your kids)

“Dude, I saw Jacob at Chick-fil-A last week. Man, he exudes joy. It was the highlight of my week, not kidding.” A friend told me that recently.

I might have been a little teary-eyed at the end of that convo.

Folks are often shocked when I tell them I have four kids, and they’re even more shocked when I tell them how old they are.

20 (Liberty), 17 (Jacob), 14 (Jayden), 13 (Judah).

We started young (and dumb). 😅 

Missy and I were both 22 when Lib was born. We didn’t know jack about jack about raising healthy kids. I wish I had the wisdom then I have now.

I’ve been in the trenches of parenting AS an entrepreneur for years.

I’ve learned that our children are our greatest treasure and investment to steward. So much of our industry focuses on the “next level” in business or assets.

But what about our kids? Very little information about raising healthy, leader-minded kids is out there. Part of what I want to do with this letter is have those conversations.

The Evans family isn’t perfect. I’m mean, c’mon, I still have three teenage boys who are savage animals. 🤣 

However, we are a healthy family unit. There is good fruit, and people (like my friend Nathan) are experiencing that fruit.

My goal in today’s letter is to share what Missy and I do: invest in our kids and build relational capital to steward them well.

[If you don’t have kids, this is still relevant]

💰️ You understand capital.
🧾 You understand increasing or decreasing an account.
🧑‍🤝‍🧑 It’s the same with humans.

We can either increase the rapport or trust we have with them, or we can withdraw from it.

The more relational capital we have with someone, the more we can influence and steward them well. When I write “kids” below, insert team member, spouse, business partner, etc. It’s all applicable.

This email really is about good, GREAT leadership.

So, let’s jump in.

Here’s how to increase relational capital.

1. Be intentional to express love in their love language.

For anyone you want to build relational capital with, you should know their language of love and intentionally show love that way.

According to Gary Chapman, here are the five primary love languages:

Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Physical touch
Quality time
Gifts

Intentionally expressing love will build significant levels of relational capital.

2. Be slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen.

“Because I said so.” Did anybody else hear that growing up and repeat it now?

Sometimes, it needs to be said. Most of the time, it’s a reaction to frustration.

Understanding where our kids are positioned requires listening.

Being willing to listen to and intentionally understand them has lowered my kids’ defenses, which builds relational capital.

It builds a healthy level of respect and shows that I value them and their position, even though that position can be entirely ridiculous.

It requires patience and humility.

If you’re mad, frustrated, or angry, it’s not the time to respond. It’s the time to take a minute (or 30) and circle back.

3. Acknowledge the right more than the wrong.

It’s easy to point out all the wrong things our kids do, especially if we have a perfectionist mentality. 🙋 That will spill over and result in negative communication that debits their account.

Build relational capital by consistently pointing out what they’re doing right.

4. Correct privately, not publicly.

The fact is we all have an ego. Everything in us aims to protect that ego, so if harsh correction happens in public, the defenses will go up. It’s like trying to break into Fort Knox. Not effective.

I’ve found that providing a safe and private environment is much more effective. If done consistently, the hair-trigger tendency to protect and hide will disappear.

5. Admit when you screw and ask for forgiveness.

It sets the right example when we humble ourselves and admit we’ve gone wrong.

“Being right” isn’t always accurate and doesn’t build the account. Sometimes, we let our ego and pride get in the way and aren’t willing to admit when we’ve gone off course.

Be willing to admit I dropped the ball, and communicating that has been huge in getting reciprocity from my kids.

At some point, debits will be taken from their accounts. We’ll have off days. This should NOT be normal.

What should be normalized is continually investing and building our kids up. Don’t get me wrong… this doesn’t mean there aren’t solid boundaries and high standards—quite the opposite.

It doesn’t mean, however, that there is grace and love in this process.

6. Invest in yourself.

You must invest in yourself. That might mean spending time in solitude and silence, therapy, or getting out in nature (preferably fly fishing).

If you run on fumes and have no margin, pouring into your kids’ lives won't be easy.

Building relational capital starts with the relationship with yourself.

Let me know how this hits below, or shoot me a reply!

Much love,

Chris