I let my son fail

He’s 14 and wants independence.

Jayden is intelligent, kind, artistic, and a natural musician.

Also, did I mention that he’s 14? 😆 

He doesn’t want to be “micro-managed.” He’s in a co-op school, three days at school and two days at home. On his home days, he’s required to get his other work done.

His mom and I have pushed him along to get his work done, but that has created a rub.

I gave him parameters to get his work done by a specific time. He’s an abstract thinker and not the best time manager. He kept pushing back and staking his life on the ability to manage himself.

So I let him. He was VERY confident that he could manage himself and get all his work done without all the hand-holding.

Missy and I had two options: 1. Continue on the path that we were on and continue getting 14-year-old resistance. 2. Give him room to try and manage himself.

We chose #2.

And he fell on his face.

It was beautiful. Not him falling on his face. But the humility he received in a safe environment was exactly what I was hoping for.

I’ve learned that with teenagers (especially my boys), collaboration is a very effective strategy for buy-in.

If they’re bought in and the decision is ALSO theirs whether they win or lose, it’s good. They get to have ownership.

Not everything is collaboration. Like if one is wielding a knife, aiming a pellet gun at the dog, or climbing 100 feet up a tree. You get my drift.

Allowing kids to make their own decisions, experience the positive or negative consequences, and then do a post-mortem is POWERFUL.

It teaches them about decision-making.
How to fail.
How to get back up.
How to learn humility.
How to negotiate and reason their point of view.
How to build self-confidence and self-esteem.
How to own the failure and the success.

This process has built incredible trust in our relationship, and they know I don’t want them to do it “just because I said so” but because I care and want them to learn. It’s awesome.

Having relational capital with your kids gives them the ability to have a healthy influence.

My oldest turns 20 in a few weeks, and my second oldest is 18 this summer. Soon, they won’t have me to be there for every decision.

My job as a parent is to help steward them while having them be kind, loving, disciplined, good decision-makers, and wise.

Often, many parents try to fully shield their kids from any hurt, pain, or failure. Unfortunately, that’s not how life is. They should learn in a good environment. It’s good their inflated ego is pressed. And their confidence in being able to figure things out.

Character is built through experiences: failure and success.

I’m incredibly grateful for my kids and who they’re becoming. I don’t think there’s much more of a greater calling than being a great parent.

What questions or scenarios do you have about kids or family? Did you like this bit of a change-up?

Let me know.

Chris