I sucked as a leader

It was 2018.

My frustration was reaching a boiling point.

I was sitting in yet another meeting. My team member doesn’t know his numbers and is behind on his responsibilities.

You could cut the tension with a knife. Back then, I wasn’t known as the most patient person.

So…

I hovered my mouse slowly over my zoom screen and…

Clicked “remove.”

Mid-sentence. I couldn’t stand to hear it anymore.

I embarrassed him in front of the team.

And it was terrible leadership.

No matter how much someone drops the ball, a good leader can compose themselves and communicate healthily.

My response was passive-aggressive, ignorant, and immature.

I later apologized.

It was a great lesson in how to be a lousy leader.

Leadership is a potent skill. It can make or break a company.

Not only that. It can make or break a family.
Not only that. It can make or break you.

I’ve gone through being a bad leader to learn how to be a great leader.

I’ve also seen loads of bad leaders and the negative consequences it has on teams.

I want to share some principles of being a great leader in an effort for you to steward your org well.

Do you want to be a better leader?

Then read-on.

Excellent leadership always starts with the YOU.

Traits of a great leader are the following:

- safe
- kind
- humble
- patient
- servant
- resilient
- decisive
- integrous
- composed
- disciplined
- self-aware
- self-secure
- empathetic
- quick to listen
- slow to speak
- communicative

When someone thinks of me as a leader, I want to be known for this, not as the passive-aggressive, impatient jerk that I was.

Maybe you want to accomplish big goals or cultivate a healthy family…

It all starts with excellent leadership.

Self-leadership is the foundation of any significant accomplishment.

How do you show up with yourself when nobody is around or watching?

How do you treat yourself?

An excellent leader is a secure leader. When I’ve operated in a poor leadership frame, it’s often been due to insecurity.

An excellent leader maintains a secure position when interacting with others.

On leading yourself well:

Take that list of traits above; when you talk to yourself or lead yourself, who shows up? Someone kind, humble, safe, disciplined… or someone mean, critical, lazy, or….?

Leading others well begins with leading ourselves well. If we talk down to ourselves, judge, criticize, lack discipline, and due praise, that will always show up in how we lead others.

Our leadership creates our environment.

A toxic leader will create a toxic environment.
A safe leader will create a safe environment.

In my example of bad leadership, what I should have done before is this:

1. I never should have gotten to a boiling point.

This means either I was unaware that I was (INSERT NEGATIVE EMOTION) or chose not to listen.

Either way, it wasn’t good. I acted like an offended child. 🧒 

Mentoring founders, I find this is common. Lacking awareness or not listening is a great way to over-emotionalize a situation.

2. I should have had a private and composed conversation.

The behavior and how that team member showed up wouldn’t work. The best thing would have been to have a private conversation to discuss the expectations and how they showed up.

From that position, I should have had a private conversation to communicate clearly and a path to better job performance.

Sometimes, that situation can let the person move on to a better fit.

3. I should have communicated more explicit expectations. 

This one makes me chuckle. We have all these internal expectations of people that we never clearly communicate. We expect them to read our minds. 🤣 

I made this mistake as a leader more often than I could admit.

I would have these undefined and uncommunicated expectations, and then when a team member didn’t meet them, I would become frustrated and impatient.

4. I should have stepped outside of myself.

An excellent leader can detach and not take things personally to the degree that it will cause them to lose composure.

This is where understanding frames is power.

Understanding frames. The magic code to leadership Part 1.

A frame is a person's position. Understanding a person's frame helps you see what they see.

Understanding what someone thinks and believes is like a magic code to unlock the ability to lead them.

Instead of seeing someone who was lazy, I could have seen someone who was afraid.

Instead of seeing only someone stealing clients or IPs from me, I could see someone who lacks wisdom.

Of course, we must draw boundaries and take appropriate measures in any situation.

Understanding detachment. The magic code to leadership Part 2.

If we can place ourselves in the shoes of others, we can see through their lens. POWERFUL.

Once we can see through their lens, we must step out of our shoes and enter a “their party” position. When we’re “detached,” it’s easier to maintain our composure.

Think if there is an argument between two people you don’t know and have no attachment to. You get to observe.

The stakes are low.

This is the frame that, when we put ourselves in, allows us to keep our emotions in check and, therefore, our actions.

I’m not perfect at this, but I’ve found it effective in leading others!

How we handle the situations we find ourselves in exemplifies the kind of leader we are.

What kind of leader do you want to be for yourself, your family, and your business? Someone who does the internal work necessary to treat yourself well so you can treat others well? Or someone who avoids the internal conflict and takes it out on others?

Leadership is an essential and fulfilling responsibility.

Hopefully, these ideas will help you become a better leader. 😃 

Chris