Want to feel better?

I’m a (recovering) addict of control.

I want to control my income.
I want to control how people see me.
I want to control the temperature in my room.
I want to control everything.

The desire to control is simply an attempt to feel safe.

However, it’s a trap.

Control builds tension and is a phenomenal source of anxiety.
Control creates more internal resistance.
Control suffocates potential.
Control is an allusion.

The desire to control produces hurry, fear, and lack. Control is a burden that can’t be sustained in any healthy way.

It was a big reason I wilted at the end of myself in 2021 because I controlled (or tried to) so much. I built up so much tension of control that I couldn’t carry it anymore. The proof is in the puddin.

Holding on is a recipe for disaster.

In my old age, I’ve found a better way I want to share with you.

Letting Go.

There are two aspects to letting go I want to talk about today.

First, Letting Go Emotionally.
Second, Letting Go in Leadership.

Letting go “emotionally” frees us. Controlling any outcome is the desire to FEEL a certain way. Holding on has an adverse effect.

Here are the benefits of letting go that I’m experiencing:

1. More resilience, less fragility

2. More surrender, less stress

3. More patience, less hurry

4. More peace, less anxiety

5. More love, less fear

Do you have a desire to control every aspect of your life?

Living surrendered, I find a greater sense of safety. Why? Letting go disarms the things that had power over me.

I’m not a pro. I still catch myself wanting to control many aspects of my life. 😅 

Letting go is a healthy indifference to an outcome.

It’s great if it does; it’s great if it doesn’t happen. In the words of Jocko Willink, when something positive or negative happens, “good!”

How to Let Go Emotionally:

1. Get Awareness

   Get awareness of the desire to control. Understand the motivation (the reason why) you want to maintain.

2. Be Curious and Kind

   When you desire control: an outcome, people's perspective on you, a situation, etc. Explore why that’s there and how you think it’s serving you.
   
   Curiosity and kindness are potent strategies in most circumstances (especially self-relationship and family relationships).

   
   When my kids do something I’m frustrated by when I’m curious and kind, it helps to diffuse the situation.
   
   Exploring the why behind an action and having kindness is a healthy frame that has produced much fruit.
   

3. Start small

   Want to win an argument? Let it go.
   Want to choose the show? Let it go.
   Want to defend yourself? Let it go.
   Are you comparing yourself to others? Let it go.
   
   Letting go as a habit has immediate and long-term benefits.
   
   ‘Wu Wei,’ which means ‘let things happen.’

   
   Lao Tzu described this ‘Wu Wei’ as ‘action through non-action,’ a state of stillness. It’s a state of flowing like water.

Now that I’ve gotten all zen on you consider the three-time frames to let go.

The Past

What are things from the past that I’m holding onto that don’t serve me? Hurt, regret, shame, or guilt?

Yesterday is gone, and we’ll never get it back. It can, however, provide wisdom for a better today. That’s where it belongs.

This is often where my depression has come from.

The Present

What is the current situation that I’m trying to control? What am I holding onto that is causing unnecessary suffering? Maybe consider letting it go.

The Future

What future scenario do I have my hands grasped around to make me feel safe?

This is often where my anxiety comes from.

Holding on: negative feelings.

Letting go: positive feelings.

Letting Go is Good Leadership

Letting go emotionally is directly linked to letting go as a leader. When we can’t let go emotionally, we’ll have difficulty letting go in our business.

That’s where burnout comes from.
That’s where stress comes from.
That’s why we can’t grow.
That’s why we get stuck.

If we don’t learn how to let go as leaders and allow others to step in and step up, we’ll be capped in our potential.

A good steward is open-handed yet diligent with what they’ve been given. Letting go (in business) is very nuanced and needs to be done correctly if it is to be done successfully.

You experience more growth, more freedom, and the delight in seeing your team members flourish. This is part of how I help my clients now.

When I let go of the need to control my team members, I give them space to be who they are.

I was consulting a team recently where contention was thick as cold butter. The team members were frustrated by the Founders’ lack of letting go. The owner was stressed and anxious. They were ready to quit. This is a common thing.

The “death grip” is unhealthy and unproductive leadership.

Why can’t we let go as leaders?

1. We don’t have proper trust levels.

2. We don’t trust ourselves as leaders.

3. We don’t have clarity on “how” and “when” to let go

4. We don’t have proper systems to steward and measure

Here is a quick tl;dr on “letting go” as a leader:

1. Build trust slowly by having members take over low-risk responsibilities.

2. Have the right expectations. People will fail. Make it a safe environment for them to do that.

3. Know exactly how you measure success and failure. Then, track those KPIs.

4. Put the right butts in the right seats. Unqualified people shouldn’t be in a high-value seat.

“As we become more familiar with letting go, it will be noticed that all negative feelings are associated with our basic fear related to survival and that all feelings are merely survival programs that the mind believes are necessary.” - David R. Hawkins.

Want to replace yourself in your business?

It starts by letting go. If you want to grow, you must let go.

Chris

P.S. Do you want my help in your business?
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